My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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