i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
