so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
