I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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