apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
