I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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