im six kinds of drunk right now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
