i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i barfeds in our rink
babies were throwing up all over the place
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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