That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You are a genius and a whore.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
