you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
