my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
