he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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