I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
me + whiskey = a bad person
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
