I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
