The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
