i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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