Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
