I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
