I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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