I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
