why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
