I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
