im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
