we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
