i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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