I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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