What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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