I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
