Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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