I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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