I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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