she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
