you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
