he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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