im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
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i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
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You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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