Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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