Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry about my life...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
