Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
