Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
