next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
