im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
