guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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