Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
