I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
