I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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