If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
