why do cheetos always look like penises
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
