Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
