Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
