peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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