at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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