you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
