Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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