my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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