I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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