Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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